Starting at Perfection

And the post otherwise known as "We're not quite there yet, but we're working on it."

It seems like all the good stuff comes to me when I'm doing the most ordinary tasks. Tonight it came as I was breaking up ground beef for some shlappy joes. (We make 'em extra shlappy...) My wish is that I had been able to drop everything and life were to pause right then and there so I could sit down and write out my thoughts. Apparently my pause button is broken temporarily. I'll have to get that looked at.

But had my pause button worked, I think this is what I would have said in so many words.

I'm not perfect. Far from it.

Phew -- I'm glad I got that off my chest. I know how you like to put me on a pedestal.

But really, I'm a child of the 80's and therefore I grew up idolizing Ariel and Belle. (and Mary Poppins, but that doesn't seem applicable.)  So you'll understand when I say that my expectations of love and marriage were just a teensy bit off. Okay, so I had no idea what to expect! Which is weird because I had my own parent's heartache to witness and I didn't live under a rock (not 24-7 at least.) So why did I believe in my core that love and marriage was going to be so... magical?

Enter my surprise when after getting married I found myself not living in a castle with a Prince or listening to show tunes performed by a dancing candelabra, but living a wholly monotonous life. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were suddenly lines on my to-do list. Laundry multiplied at an alarming rate, and the floors sure didn't mop themselves.

At first it was like playing house. "Oooh! Let ME do the dishes for you, darling..." (I am laughing at my newlywed self and shaking my head at her. ) And after about three and a half days, it got old. And boring. And a horrible chore. My poor husband was probably in shock too when I'd suggest take out instead of homemade meals. Or when the pile of laundry never got folded, just rifled through until it disappeared into the washing machine only to come out as a new, better smelling pile.

After Arthur was born, everything got harder. Chores became more torturous than before, and I knew I had to buck up and find some way to enjoy what I was doing. I remember doing dishes one night thinking about my lot in life. And then I had the epiphany I was waiting for. I saw a future me -- a much older, much wiser me. And this version of me was a seasoned mother of many children. She had run a home for many years and had practically mastered it as an art form. And I saw a younger mom looking at this older wiser me thinking, "I want to be like Sister Mullenaux." And it dawned on me -- you can't start out perfect. Not to say that the older me is going to be perfect. Not at all. But what I am saying is that we learn bit by bit. Some skills come easily to us as talents, other skills have to be acquired. Sometimes at a frustratingly slow rate. But as long as you're trying every day to do better at that thing, you'll get it some day.

Tonight as I broke up the hamburger in the pan, I could see how far I've come. And I'm glad that I didn't start at perfection because if I had, I wouldn't be as grateful for where I'm going.

And because I like you, I will post pictures of my newlywed self so you can shake your head and laugh at her too.

Forget Me Nots

Let me warn you, I'm kind of in a mood. But not just purely griping, but I'm feeling a little down. So, with your permission I'd like to spill some proverbial beans. So, are you ready for it? Let's do this.

Sometimes it all just settles in. Feeling blue. Feeling down. Feeling inadequate. And it usually happens when I just can't keep up with my house and my kids. And it seems the grimier the house feels, the further behind I get, the more I harp on myself. And I start looking outward at other moms and begin the comparing game. Why can't I be creative like so-and so? Why can't I be more organized? I'll never be as fashionable as her. They have more money and can afford to do that. I'm sure they don't want to be MY friend. I'm simply not cool enough. I'm too clingy. I'm losing my touch. Did I ever have a touch? Me me me. Mine mine mine. Blah blah blah! 

Okay, who's already annoyed?? I sure am! So I would like to spin this in a different direction. Although I am feeling supremely down in the dumps, I have to remind myself that I am just having a crummy day and none of that is true. I am reminded of Elder Uchdorf's talk from the General Relief Society meeting in October.

So instead of complaining and having a pity party for one, I would like to share the parts of his talk that strike me the most. Because maybe I'm not the only one with a case of "The blah's". And even if I am, we could all use a reminder now and again, no matter where we are. 

Reminder # 1:
Forget not to be patient with yourself. 

I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Boy, do I need to hear that!  But wait, it gets better! 

Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself. In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.

That is pure gold, right there.

(I am going to skip through the talk, but if you'd like to read all of it, just click here)

Reminder # 2:

Forget not that The Lord loves you. 

As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.

Years later I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now—I was never forgotten. And I know something else: as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart—neither are you! You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

Well, I sure do feel better. There's nothing like feeling down only to be reminded that we are all important and loved by God. So I might not be feeling creative or highly productive today. I may feel a little tired and worn down, I may even make a mistake or two; say the wrong thing, judge someone unfairly. But at the end of the day, there is prayer and forgiveness and a reminder that Heavenly Father loves me (and you too!) and He believes in who I am. That I have potential to be something great. The first step is believing that it can happen. The second step is trusting in Him. 

I hope your day is equally as imperfect, flawed, challenging, and ultimately uplifting.