It seems like all the good stuff comes to me when I'm doing the most ordinary tasks. Tonight it came as I was breaking up ground beef for some shlappy joes. (We make 'em extra shlappy...) My wish is that I had been able to drop everything and life were to pause right then and there so I could sit down and write out my thoughts. Apparently my pause button is broken temporarily. I'll have to get that looked at.
But had my pause button worked, I think this is what I would have said in so many words.
I'm not perfect. Far from it.
Phew -- I'm glad I got that off my chest. I know how you like to put me on a pedestal.
But really, I'm a child of the 80's and therefore I grew up idolizing Ariel and Belle. (and Mary Poppins, but that doesn't seem applicable.) So you'll understand when I say that my expectations of love and marriage were just a teensy bit off. Okay, so I had no idea what to expect! Which is weird because I had my own parent's heartache to witness and I didn't live under a rock (not 24-7 at least.) So why did I believe in my core that love and marriage was going to be so... magical?
Enter my surprise when after getting married I found myself not living in a castle with a Prince or listening to show tunes performed by a dancing candelabra, but living a wholly monotonous life. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were suddenly lines on my to-do list. Laundry multiplied at an alarming rate, and the floors sure didn't mop themselves.
At first it was like playing house. "Oooh! Let ME do the dishes for you, darling..." (I am laughing at my newlywed self and shaking my head at her. ) And after about three and a half days, it got old. And boring. And a horrible chore. My poor husband was probably in shock too when I'd suggest take out instead of homemade meals. Or when the pile of laundry never got folded, just rifled through until it disappeared into the washing machine only to come out as a new, better smelling pile.
After Arthur was born, everything got harder. Chores became more torturous than before, and I knew I had to buck up and find some way to enjoy what I was doing. I remember doing dishes one night thinking about my lot in life. And then I had the epiphany I was waiting for. I saw a future me -- a much older, much wiser me. And this version of me was a seasoned mother of many children. She had run a home for many years and had practically mastered it as an art form. And I saw a younger mom looking at this older wiser me thinking, "I want to be like Sister Mullenaux." And it dawned on me -- you can't start out perfect. Not to say that the older me is going to be perfect. Not at all. But what I am saying is that we learn bit by bit. Some skills come easily to us as talents, other skills have to be acquired. Sometimes at a frustratingly slow rate. But as long as you're trying every day to do better at that thing, you'll get it some day.
Tonight as I broke up the hamburger in the pan, I could see how far I've come. And I'm glad that I didn't start at perfection because if I had, I wouldn't be as grateful for where I'm going.
And because I like you, I will post pictures of my newlywed self so you can shake your head and laugh at her too.
6 comments:
I love this post. THANKS for reminding me that I too am NOT perfect and it just might not come in this life time!! THANKS Chancha!! love you lots
Great thoughts, Jen. I had NO idea motherhood and wifeyhood would be so much work. Cleaning up mess and after mess. I, too, am still learning to enjoy it.
Jen, I know I've said it before but I love your writing!! Everything you say is how I have felt at some point but you are much better at putting it into words. You made me laugh when you called them shalpy Joe's!!!
We may not live in our castle but yes I do agree that I'm better at my ground beef too. ;) I sure do love ya Jen and admire you in many ways. I think you are such a great mom and person.
My carriage just dropped me off in the comment room. You know what's funny? A few friends of mine and I were lounging in the backyard as we thumbed thru magazines and let the children run wild inside the house as we basked in the noon day sun... And for a brief second we all looked at each other and could imagine having servants bring us beverages and chat until the sun went down while the children were being tended to. Oh the life!
But reality quickly set in as children were nearly jumping off the top the bunk bed and dumping out every toy bin they could find. Then I realized I had laundry, cleaning, errands etc to do. Chores weren't going to let me rest & they were going to let me know it.
It's tough. Some days are pretty bad but as Scarlett said, "But tommarah is anotha' day!"
I love your writing style.
And those pictures are so cute. I knew ye then, but I didn't know ye.
Maybe we should do a better job of preparing our YW/YM for the realities of marriage, but in such a way as not to scare them either. Because so many are shocked to find out, that there's a whole lot more after "Get married in the temple" and before "Be a family forever".
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